Friday, March 30, 2012

Friday Songs With Callie: My Boy

Kitties, after a brief break for Mommie to go to Arkansas (AND NOT BRING ME BACK ANYTHING!!), Friday Songs have returned!
Today's song was orginally sung by The Temptations and was called My Girl.  I had to only change a couple of words to make this song perfect for me to sing. 

This song is dedicated to my Sweet Ba-Boo, Kozmo.

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside I've got the month of May.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My boy (my boy, my boy)
Talkin' 'bout my boy (my Kozmo).

I've got so much honey the bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
 My boy (my boy, my boy)
 Talkin' 'bout my boy (my Kozmo).

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Warning About A Bad Restaurant!!

Kitties, today’s Trouble’s Tall Tales has been pre-empted by this business review.  Last evening, I decided I deserved a night out on the town (with Mommie’s credit card of course!).  I put on my best bling-bling jeweled collar and called for a limo.  I picked out a new restaurant here in town that everyone has been raving about. 
This seafood restaurant has a very unique concept.  You go in and pick out your live entrée from the tanks.  The line outside was quite long and there seemed to be a lot of parents wanting to bring their children along (children at a four star restaurant??), but I decided to wait out my turn.  After entering, I started my tour of the food tanks. 
First up was some kind of strange black and white seafood that they were really pushing.  They were even making them jump through the air to prove to diners how healthy they were.  However, since there were a lot of diners interested in this entrée, I moved on.  The next food area contained a lovely selection of colorful yellow striped fish that looked yummy.  I decided on these for my entrée.  However, when I tapped on the tank to let the waiter know, all heck broke out.  The waiter, who this place forces to wear wet suits as a uniform (so unflattering on the waistline!) came running out and shooed me away!!
Since seafood didn’t seem to be in my future, I decided to check out the pork and fowl area of the serving line.  The pigs they had there had tusks like some wild pigs I have seen, but oddly enough, no legs and really weird tails. I decided to pass on the pork.   By the time I got to the fowl serving area, I was starving.  Kitties, this place served the weirdest chicken I have ever seen!  They were shaped all wrong and were black and white.  They also walked very strange….but I was at this point desperate.  Since I did not want to have to see another unflattering wet suit walking towards me, I just jumped into the holding area to get my own dinner.  Would you believe it, management called the cops and started chasing me around!!!  Me, a paying customer!!
Well, I tell you, I will NEVER go back to this establishment again, no matter how good the reviews are, and I wish to post this warning to all of the kitties out there as this restaurant has multiple locations throughout the world. 
Kitties, DO NOT go to any location of a restaurant using the business name of Aquarium or Sea World.  The service at these restaurants is simply HORRIBLE!!

Monday, March 26, 2012

What I Got From Arkansas

Kitties, finally, Mommie has decided that I have been abandoned long enough.  She's back.  But here is the important part - what did she bring back from Arkansas for me....

Let's see - did I get a gen-u-wine fake coon skin cap I can wear while stalking Sassy around the house?

Did I get a jug of moonshine to make more Nipitinis with?  Noooo...

Did she bring me one of those yummy University of Arkansas Hogs for me to nom on?  No, no, no.

When she got back, she picked me up and gave me what she called a "Arkansas Kiss" on the nose. That's it - a stupid kiss.

Crap, I would have much rather had the coon skin cap!

Friday, March 23, 2012

I'm A Little Bit Suspicious.....

On Wednesday, Mommie and her guest got out their big ugly purse thingies (they called them "overnighters") and put a bunch of clothes in them.  Then early Thursday morning they left the house.  Since then only the neighbor lady has been over to check on us.  If I didn't know better, I would think that she left us behind.

She wouldn't do that would she Sassy?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Deep Thoughts

Kitties, while my human is entertaining our guest, I have had time to do some deep thinking.  These are some of the thoughts that have been occupying my mind: 

1. Humans use the saying “the cat’s pajamas” to indicate something is
    great.  But we do not wear pajamas –
    so wouldn’t that mean something
    does not exist?  

2. Humans say they “let the cat out of
     the bag”.  What I want to know is
     why the heck did you stuff the cat
     in a bag in the first place?

3. About the saying “Curiosity killed the Cat” – MURDERERS!!!

4. Humans say “Cat got your tongue” – well the cat obviously wanted it, so stop your complaining. 

Sunday, March 18, 2012


Our visitor arrived last night and met me for the first time. 

And what can I say -

I came, I saw, I conquered.  Of course!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Trouble's Tall Tales: My Adventure At The Spa

Kitties, I have had a quiet week so far.  I have been mostly resting up from my trip to London this weekend.  This is probably why the stock market has been so wishy washy lately – I have not been wheelin’ and dealin’ much. 
I did go to a Spa yesterday.  You know international travel is so dehydrating to your fur!  Plus since I have just been chosen as the Face of L’Oreal’s new line of Cat Cosmetics (you simply have to try their new nose color – Passion Pink), I have to make sure my furs are dewey and young looking. 
I found the deep fur massage very relaxing, but I am not sure that the mud mask facial was real smart.  I went with bright red paw polish, with tiny white hearts painted on for my Sweet Ba-Boo, Kozmo.   I am much more relaxed now and looking forward to being worshipped by our visitor next week.   
NOTE FROM THE MOMMIE:  We are having company at our house next week (my niece that I haven’t seen in over a year), so we probably will not be posting and visiting a whole lot next week.  We will be back the week after!

Wordless Wednesday: Redecorating With Callie

Monday, March 12, 2012

What Really Happened In London

Kitties, Sassy here.  I know that the little brat Callie told you about our trip to London yesterday, but I thought I would retell the story today from an ADULT point of view.  It was a long flight over.  As soon as we left DFW airport, Callie started yammering about Kozmo is the most handsome, Kozmo is the most brave, yada, yada, yada.  After 4 hours of this, I was ready to grab one of the parachutes and abandon plane. 

After we checked in, Kozmo took us to Buckingham Palace and showed us where he captured Mr. Chirpy.  He does seem like a dashing young man – if not very smart, since he likes the Brat!  At one point some old lady wearing a really weird hat came over and talked to us.  Kozmo then escorted us back to the hotel to freshen up.

After we arrived back at the hotel, Callie was actually nice enough to fix me a hot, new drink she read about on the internet called a Silver Vine Sleep.  To be a little honest, it kind of tasted funny.  Jet lag must have really caught up with me after that, because I became so sleepy. 
The next thing I knew, it was dark outside and there was a bunch of giggling and throat clearing outside of the hotel door.  When Callie came back in, I acted like I was still asleep.  She does not know that I know she sneaked out.  I am saving that little information for when I next want her to do something – then if she doesn’t do it, I will threaten to tell Mommie.  Bwahaha – I have the little brat right where I want her!!!
The next day Kozmo took us all out to a very nice brunch.  Or it would have been nice if it hadn’t been for all of the starry eye looks passing back and forth between Callie and Kozmo – sheesh!  Save me from young love!
Once we were back on our way home, Callie immediately started back up with the Kozmo this, and Kozmo that stuff, so I did what any self-respecting cat would do – I calmly walked to the plane’s bar and made me another Silver Vine Sleep cocktail. 

Sunday, March 11, 2012

My Romantic Adventure With Kozmo In London

Kitties, I had a most wonderful weekend.  I got to go to London to see my boykitty friend Kozmo.  He is in London working for the F.B.I. (Feline Bureau of Investigations) on a top-secret, very dangerous project. My Kozmo is very brave and wonderful.  Unfortunately, since Mommie and Sassy have not met Kozmo yet, I had to take Old Lardbutt Sassy with me to act as Chaperon.  It was a very long flight over, almost 9 hours.  I thought that this would give me a chance to tell Sassy all about Kozmo, however, about half way there, Sassy said she had a headache and left to lie down.  Actually, it wasn’t at all surprising that Sassy’s head hurt her since she kept banging it against the wall while muttering “If I hear the phrase – “isn’t he just the most….”- one more time!”

I don’t know what that was all about.  Sassy is a little weird. 

Once we had arrived and checked into our hotel, Kozmo came in a limo and took us for a visit to Buckingham Palace.  He showed us where he took down the evil and nefarious Mr. Chirpy.  He even re-enacted his great leap.  Oh, my, I just get goosebumps thinking about his bravery!  The Queen even came out and thanked him for his work – at least I think that is what she said – she talks a little funny. 
Afterwards, he took us back to the hotel to freshen up.  Of course I was perfectly desperate to see some more of Kozmo, but NOT with Old Lardbutt Sassy tagging along!  So I did what any smart kitty would do – I slipped my chaperon a Silver Vine Mickey Finn and left to meet up with Kozmo.  Sassy was snoring when I left.  I didn’t know cats could snore.

Kozmo really showed me great time in London.   He took me to Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant for dinner.  Normally there is a wait of several weeks for a table here, but Kozmo pulled some strings and got us in right away. 

We ended the night with a romantic horse carriage ride through Hyde Park. 
It did get a little awkward back at my hotel door, because , because, hmm, hmm, {whispers} don’t tell Kozmo, but I’ve never kissed a boykitty before…  I think that Kozmo is a little shy also, so we shook paws good night. 
The next day, Kozmo took Sassy and I out to brunch before our plane left.  Naturally, Kozmo completely dazzled Sassy – half way through the meal, her eyes were glazed over in awe.  I got to talk to Sassy a little bit more about Kozmo on the way home, but once again, she fell asleep.  I don’t know why she always sleeps when I talk about Kozmo.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Friday Songs With Callie: Oops!...I Did It Again

Kitties, today's song is by Britney Spears.  Now, while that poor girl's life is just a hot mess (maybe I should offer my relationship counseling services?), this song, "Oops!...I Did It Again"  has a pretty catchy tune - sing along with me!

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

I think I did it again
I put my claws into the couch and made a tear
Oh, Mommie
Don’t carry on so
I was just sharpening my claws
‘Cause bad is what I do
That is just so typically me
Oh, Mommie, Mommie

Oops!...I did it again
I played with the couch, now its all torn
Oh, Mommie, Mommie
Oops!...Maybe you’ll blame Sassy
That might work!
Cause I’m not that innocent!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Trouble's Tall Tales: My New Gourmet Food Line

How I Re-Invented The Cat Food Industry

Kitties, I have had a very busy week.  I have just returned from Los Angeles.  I was asked to go and assist with the development of a new line of cat food.  They asked me to help because of my recent, highly successful Food Network Cooking show:  Cooking With Callie. 
Of course I couldn’t just travel without ensuring that I would be comfortable, I gave my handlers a list of my basic needs.  They included:  imported water, mink throw for the limo, fresh shrimp and caviar platter, my own personal chin scratcher and fish flakes.   I also asked for a security team and that the limo driver does not make eye contact. 
When I arrived, by private jet, I checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel Presidential Suite.  Before my meetings started, I was invited to grab a bite at Wolfgang Pucks place.  While I was eating, I was approached by the producer of the Bachelor/Bachelorette series begging me to be their next Bachelorette.  When I told them that I am no longer available and that my Sweet Ba-Boo, Kozmo was now my boykitty friend, he started crying. He got my crab cakes all soggy and salty!
My cat food line – Callie’s Cuisine for Cats – is still under development, but here are some flavors you can look forward to. 
1.      Wood Oven Roasted Rabbit in a silver vine sauce topped with roasted crickets
2.      Pan Roasted Mouse basted in chicken stock  with fresh grass
3.      Grilled Shrimp and lobster in a Chilean bass mousse
What is your favorite?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Top Seven Ways to Annoy Your Sisfur - Sassy's Response

Kitties, Sassy here.  I have taken over the blog today.  Yesterday the little brat Callie posted ways to annoy me.  What she did not post was what happens when she pulls these tricks.  And so here is my advice to brofurs and sisfurs whose has these tricks pulled on them:
1.      Wait until she is asleep, then wake her up to ask if she is asleep. (Sassy – promptly apply smacky paw. Continue applying smacky paw until you see stars circling above the head of victim.  You may stop then.)

2.      Splash water in her dry food bowl, then watch her try to figure out why her food is mushy. (Sassy – do the same to her bowl…and you do not necessarily have to use water as your fluid, hehe….)

3.      Sprinkle hot pepper on her favorite mousie toy, then watch as she rolls around trying to wipe the taste out of her mouth.  (Sassy – this one is a little hard, but try not to react when it happens, then enthusiastically thank her for adding the great flavoring to your mousie.  This will make her crazy.)

4.      Hide her ESS, but when she asks if you have seen it, say of course, “its right there – don’t you see it?  Oh, no, poor Sassy!” (Sassy – say oh, yeah, there it is, then go over and paw the air as if you are sharpening your claws. )

5.      Copy a random picture off of the internet of a boy kitty, send her an email from anonymous server saying that you are an admirer.  Then sit back and enjoy watching as she tries to figure out who he is. (Sassy – what, he isn’t real…NNNNOOOOOO!)

6.      Wait until Mommie has left the house to go shopping, then tell her that Mommie told you she was going to pick up your new “Brofur”.  (Sassy – I am not worried about this one.  I think that I have made myself perfectly clear to Mommie what would happen if she pulled this on me.)

7.      Sign her up to receive junk mail from AARC (American Association of Retired Cats). (Sassy – thank her for the great discounts your AARC membership gives you on catnip.  Tell her you are sorry she can’t have any. )

Monday, March 5, 2012

Top Seven Ways to Annoy Your Sisfur or Brofur

Kitties, as you may know, my favorite hobby is annoying Sassy.  I have decided to share my knowledge.  Feel free to try out any of these tricks on your brofurs or sisfurs. 

For purposes of this article, I use the pronoun “she” since I only have a sisfur – but these tricks would work just as well with a brofur!)

1.      Wait until she is asleep, then wake her up to ask if she is asleep.

2.      Splash water in her dry food bowl, then watch her try to figure out why her food is mushy.

3.      Sprinkle hot pepper on her favorite mousie toy, then watch as she rolls around trying to wipe the taste out of her mouth.

4.      Hide her ESS, but when she asks if you have seen it, say of course, its right there – don’t you see it?  Oh, no, poor Sassy!

5.      Copy a random picture off of the internet of a boy kitty, send her an email from anonymous server saying that you are an admirer.  Then sit back and enjoy watching as she tries to figure out who he is.

6.      Wait until Mommie has left the house to go shopping, then tell her that Mommie told you she was going to pick up your new “Brofur”. 

7.      Sign her up to receive junk mail from AARC (American Association of Retired Cats).

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Secret Crush Revealed

Kitties, I am so excited and very nervous!  As several of you guessed, my not so seccret crush is the handsome and brave Kozmo.  I heard from my best friend's brother's cousins hairdresser heard Kozmo say that he thought I was cute!  I have asked Nellie to check and see if he has a girlkitty friend.  I can't wait to hear back from her.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Ode To My Secret Crush

Today I am going to do something a little different from my usual Friday Song.  Lately I have started noticing how many handsome boy kitties there are in the blogosphere and I must admit to having a bit of a crush on at least one of them.  Now I would tell you who it is, but of course a Lady Kitty never practice kisses in the mirror and tells!  Can you guess who it is from my poem “Ode to My Secret Crush”?

I have a secret crush I must boast.
When I go Google Reader
And see that he, not his sibling(s) has posted
My little heartbeat becomes a Speeder!

His handsome fur glistens in the light
Highlighting his beautiful markings
His jewel toned eyes are ever so bright
I hope he does not think my flirting is just a lark!

I wonder if my secret crush
Knows if I exist
Will he blush
If I give him an internet kiss?

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Trouble's Thursday Adventure: The Grocery Store

How Trouble Saved the Grocery Industry From Ruin
Kitties, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that I had a very exciting adventure at the Grocery Store to tell you about.  The bad news is that since I **may** have posted something earlier in the week about Sassy’s bed that angered her, Mommie made me take Old Lardbutt, er, Sassy with me on my adventure this week.
Callie’s Adventure
One day this week I awoke to the awful realization that we were completely out of cat food.  I don’t know how this happened, possibly because Mommie has been on a 5 day drunk and passed out cold on the floor.  Well, since we had not been fed in almost three whole hours, I knew that I had to do something fast or face total starvation within the hour. 
I grabbed Sassy and quickly ran and jumped into my specially modified corvette (correctly called a catvette). Stuffing Old Lardbutt Sassy into the front seat was difficult, but shortly we were ready to zip off to get some emergency food and maybe some coffee to sober Mommie up.  I did not get to the store as quickly as I had hoped, due to having to stop and help a woman on the side of the road who had gone into early labor.  She had triplets and it was a good thing I was nearby as Sassy didn’t do anything except wring her paws and say “Oh, Lordy, Miz Callie, I don’t know nothing about birthing no babies!”. 
Unfortunately, this delay meant that it had now been four hours since food.  I was starting to feel weak and light headed and Sassy was gnawing on the dashboard.  Luckily I did not have a look for a parking space for my Catvette, the store, in hopes that I would visit more often, has a specially marked “For Callie Only” parking space up front. 
Between being asked to give diet tips (everyone likes to receive diet tips from a world famous model like me) and signing autographs, it took almost 30 minutes to pick up my weekly supply of caviar and filet mignon.  After having my picture taken with the store manager (he was so proud I picked his store to shop in), it was time to stuff Sassy back into the front seat of the Catvette and return home. 
Sassy’s Adventure
I have no idea what this annoying little furball is talking about.  One day this week Mommie did go to the store to buy some hamburger. When she returned, Callie woke up long enough from her nap to stiff at the bags….although how she got drunk Mommies, women giving birth, special parking spaces, and filet mignon out of that, don’t ask me!